the new TV season...

Since it occupies so much of my time, maybe I should say something about all of the TV premieres that have aired over the past week.

Heroes: The premiere was... weird. The "Four Months Later" device is kinda lame. I take it to mean - "We will confuse you with flashbacks all season!"

Survivor: There is no indication that there is anyone even remotely likable in either of the tribes. Or even particularly hot, for that matter. (Ok, except for the black guy in the boxer-briefs). Oh, and speaking of underwear - how long has this show been on the air? 9 seasons? If you were a woman and were going to be on Survivor... would you not pack, like 14 sports bras? And fucking tennis shoes? Why is it that every season there is some idiot struggling through the first week of challenges wearing a lace demi-cup bra and high heels? You HAVE seen the show, right?

Reaper: Based on the premise, I had very low expectations for this show, but Kevin Smith really made the pilot work. It was pretty damed funny. Plus! You can apparently say "dick" on TV now! At least on the CW. (It's a whole new world. Thanks, Justin Timberlake!) Anyway, too bad Smith isn't directing the whole series. I expect it to go rapidly downhill.

Dirty Sexy Money: We watched this because it stars Peter Krause, and for no other reason. I don't know what it is about this guy, but I really, really enjoy watching him act. And not in a gay way, I don't think. As for the show... I found the premise pretty uninteresting.

Big Shots: I think we maybe only watched this show because Josh Malina was in it (Who was also on "Sports Night", with... Peter Krause!) The show is mostly forgettable, and can be summed up with the two words "Desperate Husbands", but I should mention one odd fact. Both this show and "Dirty Sexy Money" feature a subplot in which a rich, powerful man is found to be having an affair with a transsexual. What the hell is up with that? Is there some sort of cultural "moment" happening? Are transsexuals the new black?

Grey's Anatomy: I think this show has jumped the shark already. (Do people still say "jumped the shark"? Or has that phrase jumped the shark?) I have never bought for even an instant the whole Izzy/George thing. And the Lexi Grey thing just feels cheap.

Private Practice: I've lost interest in this one already. 40-year-old doctors are not as interesting or angsty as 20 year-old doctors. And what is the sense of holding a medical drama in a private clinic if every time there is a REAL emergency, they have to call an ambulance and take them to the REAL hospital?? There is a reason that doctor shows are generally set in emergency and operating rooms. Nobody wants to watch an hour of fucking strep swabs and pap smears.

Desperate Housewives: I only look up from my laptop when Eva Longoria is in her underpants. Which is fairly often.

Brothers and Sisters: I do like Rachel Griffiths, but only because she was in "Six Feet Under" with... PETER KRAUSE!! Aside from that, I usually suffer through the first 30 minutes of melodrama, then go take a shower. If I hated my family that much I would just move out of state and not talk to them. Oh wait! I did that!!

Bionic Woman: I think I can already write the Bionic Woman drinking game. Bionic Woman leaps between two buildings, or over a deep crevasse - DRINK!! Bionic Woman runs in fast motion - DRINK!! Bionic Woman uses super-Terminator-eyeball-scope-vision - DRINK!!! I mean seriously... how many different ways can she jump, run, and kick ass? What else is there for her to do? Didn't the original bionic serieses run out of ideas halfway through the first season too? (Steve Austin jumps over a fence!!! ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch...)