the grammy’s – hour two...

9:12 - Oh, look... it’s Madonna!! Jennifer Aniston called... she wants her 2001 hairstyle back.

9:13 – Sting is singing “Roxanne”. Jeez... Steward Copeland... Andy Summers... I feel for you guys. Gordon really does need to be slapped. Especially for agreeing to this half-assed reggae-rap abomination. I just noticed that Sting is wearing a skirt. What the FUCK, dude? No more yoga for you.

9:16 – I had to rewind (I’m on the TiVo now) to find out who the Latino chick with no clothes on is. Paulina Rubio? That means less than nothing to me. Best Pop Female goes to Aguilera... no surprise probably, although I would have gone with Avril. Oh, look... Christina Aguilera is naked now... all is right with the world. She makes a lame Janet Jackson joke about her dress. Honey, it’s only cool to show skin if you can ACT cool about it.

9:24 – Who the FUCK dresses Sarah Jessica Parker??

9:25 - I count about 18 black people backing up Justin Timberlake, apparently trying to make him sound less white. A doomed mission, to be sure. Perhaps if we add a Hispanic guy playing the trumpet? Nope.

9:30 – Another Beatles tribute in which they drag out the widows. Yoko... you’ve been living in the US and London for like, 50 years. How the fuck can you still have a Japanese accent??

9:32 – Paul McCartney is such a wanker. Shut up, Paul... and put the guitar down.

9:40 – The Black Eyed Peas?? Whatever. Check out the string section. I want an electric cello shaped like a question mark. That’s cool. Is this what passes for “socially conscious hip-hop” during the off years between Wyclef Jean albums? Oh shit... is that Tittylake again? Get that white boy off the fucking stage for the umpteenth time.

9:45 – Yet another Perfunctory Lifetime Achievement Award (PLAA)... for pianist Van Cliburn... and yet another for Doc Watson. Nice how we devote a whole 45 seconds to each of those, huh? Female Country Vocal award? I’m pulling for Shania just so we’ll get see how slutted up she is, but of course the late June Carter Cash wins. Never mind that she sounds like my 80 year old uncles singing on that record, she’s dead, so she gets the award. Good enough.

9:53 – Cuba Gooding gives another PLAA to some old black lady who apparently sings children’s songs. Ok...?

9:54 – I couldn’t give a shit for R&B of any sort, but I will say this - Damn, Beyoncé is fine. Pretty bizarrely staged number... with the fake painting tableau and all. She really needs to stop yelling now.

9:59 – Sean Astin, Norah Jones, Two jazz PLAA’s, and the award for Best New Artist – Dave’s prediction, reluctantly is 50 Cent. The winner is? Evanescence. Really? Has anybody heard anything by them besides that Matrix song?? Whoa... 50 Cent just walked up on stage... what was that all about? He’s gonna pop a cap in their ass in the parking lot.

(continued...)